Paxil on Babe!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Chocolate Please

I went today with my mom and sister for her GI appointment. It was a disappointing day. My sister did not do very well. I felt so tired from the Paxil. I went to bed super early last night. I wanted to be there for my mom emotionally, she thanked me and said I was a big help. But I don't feel like I was. I feel like I was just moving threw the day. I love my family so much. I am overwhelmed by what is happening to my sister. I can't believe what she has had to do. Her poor little body. I think I just went numb today trying not to feel. When I came home I just wanted to eat chocolate trying to make myself feel good. Just now did I finally get teary eyed. I want to scream and throw something. Why does my baby sister have to go thru this shit? She is such a trooper. She tries so hard to still be tough and be a sweetie even though I know she feels awful. I wish I could do so much more. Sometimes I just feel like I have so much going on in my mind. My own son to take care of and my mental stupid stuff I'm trying to take care of. It's hard. Women these days try to be SuperWoman! She can do it all!!! I need to breath and try to relax... how can I relax though knowing my mom's mind will be so heavy with worry tonight. Sometimes I feel like Carly's second mom, and if my mom is stressed, then I have to be stressed too. And if I'm not as worried as my mom, then I feel guilty. Sounds ridiculous outloud. I'm over analyzing it. I just know I love both of my sisters and my mom like what family should feel like.

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