Paxil on Babe!

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Sun Finally Came Out Today


Today is my first day on Paxil. This is a drug you can take for Postpartum Depression. My son is almost 10 months old and is truly a miracle in my life, but my brain chooses to throw my life for a loop. I'm starting this journal to chart my progress and hopefully watch my life change. I want to feel normal. That's all. Every once in awhile, I'll get a glimpse of normal, and it makes me even more sad knowing I'm really missing out on life. I am very optimistic about trying Paxil. It's not a life senstence, just something to get me threw this rough patch. I didn't even realize until about a month ago that this could be Postpartum Depression. I told myself all sorts of things to convince myself of why my mind felt so horrible. I read self-help books, told myself to "snap out of it," that I was a bad mom, a horrible wife, and that I was going crazy. I understood that PPD was a chemical imbalance, but I thought the symptoms were such things as disconnecting from your baby, suicide, and not emotionally feeling like you're really here. Which those can be symptoms, but their are several other symptoms of PPD also. Events in your life can trigger PPD also. I started feeling disconnected from my husband around 11 weeks after my son was born. That's the same time the games in my head began. We've just recently bought our first home, I've also just recently been diagonsed with Crohn's Disease, financially we are scared, I'm isolated, and often feeling like my husband isn't supporting me. Not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't know what I need to hear. And even if I tell him, he has a tough time figuring out how to say it! Men! These all have made the PPD worse. Now to the symptoms...
My symtoms are as follows:
Excessive worry and anxiety, irritability, short temper, feeling overwhelmed, difficulty making decisions, sad moods, feelings of guilt... horrible guilt, loss of focus and concentration, changes in appetite, weight loss, social isolation, exhausted, can't shake my tears, brain feeling like it's been kidnapped or in a fog, wanting to run away, feeling like I'm the worst mother, knowing I have so many things to be grateful for- but just feel like shit!, intrusive, repetitive, and persistent thoughts or mental pictures, thoughts of seeing Hayden getting hurt (not by my doing, he's just in dangerous situations), tremendous sense of horror and disgust about these thoughts, counting, checking, and cleaning and other repetitive behaviors, if my son gets sick, it's all my fault, hot flashes, restlessness, agitation, feeling like any minute I might 'lose it,' and my heart races or skips.
This is on a daily basis. Somedays it's five of these symptoms, somedays it's all of them. 3 days ago my husband had to stay home because I really couldn't handle the day. I could hardly talk to form a senstence, let alone think. I felt like my mind was in thick fog. How was I supposed to take care of my son? Threw out the day, I thought to myself, "Thank God he stayed home..." I really would have gone off the deep end.
So, like I said, I'm thrilled to be on Paxil! It may sound silly, but I'm looking forward to feeling normal again!

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