Paxil on Babe!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Chocolate Please

I went today with my mom and sister for her GI appointment. It was a disappointing day. My sister did not do very well. I felt so tired from the Paxil. I went to bed super early last night. I wanted to be there for my mom emotionally, she thanked me and said I was a big help. But I don't feel like I was. I feel like I was just moving threw the day. I love my family so much. I am overwhelmed by what is happening to my sister. I can't believe what she has had to do. Her poor little body. I think I just went numb today trying not to feel. When I came home I just wanted to eat chocolate trying to make myself feel good. Just now did I finally get teary eyed. I want to scream and throw something. Why does my baby sister have to go thru this shit? She is such a trooper. She tries so hard to still be tough and be a sweetie even though I know she feels awful. I wish I could do so much more. Sometimes I just feel like I have so much going on in my mind. My own son to take care of and my mental stupid stuff I'm trying to take care of. It's hard. Women these days try to be SuperWoman! She can do it all!!! I need to breath and try to relax... how can I relax though knowing my mom's mind will be so heavy with worry tonight. Sometimes I feel like Carly's second mom, and if my mom is stressed, then I have to be stressed too. And if I'm not as worried as my mom, then I feel guilty. Sounds ridiculous outloud. I'm over analyzing it. I just know I love both of my sisters and my mom like what family should feel like.

Monday, April 17, 2006

A Step Forward, then a Couple Back

Friday I had such a wonderful day, but my dose of Paxil went from 12.5mg to 24mg. I felt more tired and nausea, but I thought, no biggy. Well, Saturday was not 'no biggy!' I was so wiped out and exhausted! I could have stayed in my PJs and slept the whole weekend away. It really frustrated me and made me feel stressed. I just keep telling myself though that this is only for a short time and I'm sure I'll feel back to my perker self soon. On the other hand though, I do feel very mellow. Many times this weekend I did feel nervous, but nothing ever came of it. It was great, no break downs, melt downs, blow outs.. nothing. I do feel a lot calmer and at peace with my self. I definetly feel like a took a couple of steps forward, but then took a few steps back! I'm getting there though!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Luckiest Mom

It's hailing pretty good right now. I hope the lights don't go out. Poor Shelby, he's running for cover. The thunder scared him!
I had such a GREAT day. Well, kind of. Today was my 8th day on Paxil so my dosage got doubled and that made me tired and a little queezy. But I also noticed it made me mellow and relaxed. It was such a wonderful feeling. Little things happened today that I know I normally would have freaked out about, but I didn't care and maybe even would laugh about it. It was such a sense of relief. Piece by piece, I really do feel the medicine working.
I took Hayden to the park in El Dorado Hills. First we went and got a sandwich and I bought him a shovel for the sand box that is there. Hayden was so sweet. He was a bucket full of smiles the whole time. He crawled up the platforms on the play equipment. I can see him growing right in front of my eyes. I received so many compliments on what a wonderful baby he is. I was floating... I felt like the luckiest mom on the earth. On the way home Hayden was taking his sock and holding it above his head cracking himself up. I can't believe he knows how to make himself laugh... babies are truly miracles. Fun miracles!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Looking Forward

This morning I had a horrible spell of nausea, it hit so fast I had to lay down because I seriously thought I was going to vomit everywhere! But after 5 minutes I felt better. So, that's not too bad. I can live with that 5 minutes a day if it means the rest of the day I'll be sane! Monday night I got pretty angry at our woodstove because the vents and pipe were clogged. A few times I have felt a little tense, but overall I have felt nice. I'm not sure if the Paxil could be working that fast, or if I'm just relieved to be taking medicine, or if I'm just having nice days anyway. Maybe all three. I'm excited to see what a month from now will feel like. If I will really notice a difference. I'm looking forward to this weekend. Hayden's first Easter. I think he will be so adorable. I'm excited about this holiday because the children get to have a lot of fun but it's not as crazy as Christmas. Now looking back, I realize my anxiety was in control on Christmas. I can't believe I made it thru the day! Easter should be great.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Catching Up

We were so busy yesterday, I forgot to write a post. I thought about it at 11pm, but Keith was playing a war game on the computer and I was too tired. But that's the ironic part, I was so exhausted, but do you think I actually could get to sleep? Heck no! My mind had it's own mission. I didn't actually dose off until 1am or so, and of course, Hayden woke up 30 minutes after that screaming. I feel like such a failure for not understanding why he's been behaving like this at night time. The day went okay though. I felt a little nausea in the morning. Their were a few times I felt a little stressed, but overall the weekend was nice. I never blew up, panicked, or had any such melt downs! I never even felt like I was going to snap. I just had to take a few breaks, but nothing major. I'm a little tired, but still optimistic out the future of being on Paxil.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Not too Shabby

Today wasn't too bad. I was pretty excited about my husband and I taking our son to a Kids Expo at the town's fairgrounds. My brother and sister-in-law met us there too with their 2 1/2 year old daughter. The event was really crowded though and we paid an arm and leg for lunch that tasted like and looked like crap. We have no money to begin with because we just bought our first home. Later that day my mom and sisters came over to our house to download songs onto my sister's new iPod. We couldn't figure out why my computer kept saying their was no iPod plugged into the computer and we all starting feeling frustrated and confused. Our son didn't get as much sleep as he needed from his nap. My husband and I had to leave though to meet family for dinner. These all seem like trivial events, but in my mind they added up quickly and before you know it, my mind was in 'The Fog.' I felt like I couldn't think and I had a horrible headache. I knew I should have taken Tylenol before I left the house! Overall though, this was not that bad of a day. I had no panic attacks or melt downs. I just felt a little disappointed. I love seeing my family but my mind goes into overdrive when I see them because I CONSTINTLY worry what they are thinking and if I'm saying the right things. I will over analyze things to death. I hate PPD, it plays horrible games with my mind. I want to see my family because I obviously love them and want to be with them, but sometimes it's too much work in my mind.
This morning when I took my pill, I felt a little funny, but that was about it. No other side effects.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Sun Finally Came Out Today

Today is my first day on Paxil. This is a drug you can take for Postpartum Depression. My son is almost 10 months old and is truly a miracle in my life, but my brain chooses to throw my life for a loop. I'm starting this journal to chart my progress and hopefully watch my life change. I want to feel normal. That's all. Every once in awhile, I'll get a glimpse of normal, and it makes me even more sad knowing I'm really missing out on life. I am very optimistic about trying Paxil. It's not a life senstence, just something to get me threw this rough patch. I didn't even realize until about a month ago that this could be Postpartum Depression. I told myself all sorts of things to convince myself of why my mind felt so horrible. I read self-help books, told myself to "snap out of it," that I was a bad mom, a horrible wife, and that I was going crazy. I understood that PPD was a chemical imbalance, but I thought the symptoms were such things as disconnecting from your baby, suicide, and not emotionally feeling like you're really here. Which those can be symptoms, but their are several other symptoms of PPD also. Events in your life can trigger PPD also. I started feeling disconnected from my husband around 11 weeks after my son was born. That's the same time the games in my head began. We've just recently bought our first home, I've also just recently been diagonsed with Crohn's Disease, financially we are scared, I'm isolated, and often feeling like my husband isn't supporting me. Not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't know what I need to hear. And even if I tell him, he has a tough time figuring out how to say it! Men! These all have made the PPD worse. Now to the symptoms...
My symtoms are as follows:
Excessive worry and anxiety, irritability, short temper, feeling overwhelmed, difficulty making decisions, sad moods, feelings of guilt... horrible guilt, loss of focus and concentration, changes in appetite, weight loss, social isolation, exhausted, can't shake my tears, brain feeling like it's been kidnapped or in a fog, wanting to run away, feeling like I'm the worst mother, knowing I have so many things to be grateful for- but just feel like shit!, intrusive, repetitive, and persistent thoughts or mental pictures, thoughts of seeing Hayden getting hurt (not by my doing, he's just in dangerous situations), tremendous sense of horror and disgust about these thoughts, counting, checking, and cleaning and other repetitive behaviors, if my son gets sick, it's all my fault, hot flashes, restlessness, agitation, feeling like any minute I might 'lose it,' and my heart races or skips.
This is on a daily basis. Somedays it's five of these symptoms, somedays it's all of them. 3 days ago my husband had to stay home because I really couldn't handle the day. I could hardly talk to form a senstence, let alone think. I felt like my mind was in thick fog. How was I supposed to take care of my son? Threw out the day, I thought to myself, "Thank God he stayed home..." I really would have gone off the deep end.
So, like I said, I'm thrilled to be on Paxil! It may sound silly, but I'm looking forward to feeling normal again!